Second Opinion: ‘Immortals’

"We can do better than this."

Fred Topelby Fred Topel

Thank you, Bibbs, for offering me the chance to express my counterview. I go into every movie hoping for the best and I’m glad you enjoyed Immortals, but I thought it was a stupid, boring, ugly and unpleasant movie. At least it gives us something to talk about.

Stupid: The dialogue is horribly corny, particularly everything said by Stephen Dorff. Also, there was one American in ancient Greece? I’ll buy that all the Greeks are British speaking English, but come on. At one point he says, “Were it not for these chains, I would steal your heart.” The more intense it gets the sillier it looks. By the time the gods are executing slow motion kill shots, it just looks hokey, especially the shocked reactions of their victims.

Boring: For a movie about dudes killing each other, there sure is a lot of explaining. I guess that’s de rigueur for action movies now. Talk, talk, talk. And this one has Greek mythology to explain too but not really. It’s just Mickey Rourke talking about how evil he is and the oracle (Freida Pinto) talking about how important the gods are. And the titans are imprisoned and the gods can’t interfere and blah blah blah.

Ugly: The one thing I did not expect from a Tarsem movie is that it wouldn’t look good. There are a few striking visuals, some sets that remind you, “Yeah, sets look good when you frame them well” and a surreal shot at the end that’s not really part of the movie. But most of the movie is people covered in filth, rolling around in the dark, wearing bondage masks that aren’t scary so much as repulsive (and they have extended dialogue muffled by those masks.)

Unpleasant: Building on the ugliness, the violence of the film is no fun. There are tortures worse than Human Centipede II and instead of feeling like, “Yeah, this movie went there!” it just feels like, “Ugh, really?” The treatment of the oracle’s three other women protectors isn’t very fun. I’m no prude but there’s breaking taboos and then there’s just beating up women.

The action is pretty good I guess. I mean, Henry Cavill can fight. His moves are quick and Tarsem shoots so you can actually see what he’s doing. But we’ve got action, we can do better than this.