Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @molly7anne (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Funny Tweets 3-16-18
[Henry Winkler on trial for murder]
Prosecution: And here’s a video of him killing the victim. We’d like this to be Exhibit A.
The Fonz: More like Exhibit Ayyyy
Judge: hahaaa ayyyyy
Victim’s family: AYYYYYYYY
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) March 13, 2018
— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) March 12, 2018
GOD: Well, well, well…what do we have here?
STEPHEN HAWKING: Hello, sir
GOD: I’d like to see you in my office
GOD: So, how does gravity work?
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 14, 2018
This gal’s killin it with her CVS receipt. pic.twitter.com/9YwxHBhaSX
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) March 13, 2018
I have travelled to the future and I will tell you only ONE thing: The M&Ms fuckin’ look like SHIT. pic.twitter.com/weusDvXEdq
— Nate Fernald (@natefernald) March 13, 2018
dentist: you need to-
me: i need to floss more?
dentist: no, you need to get out of my house. it’s 2:30am
me: [muffled behind ski mask] tooth hurty a.m.
— viking (@NOTVIKING) February 21, 2018
Sign here pic.twitter.com/Md06IN78ee
— jake likes onions (@jakelikesonions) March 14, 2018
coffins : the ultimate and final ravioli
— egg dog (@egg_dog) March 7, 2018
The Daily Mail published an article claiming that ‘no one is 100% straight’ and this is possibly my favourite comment ever. pic.twitter.com/t73Oa7TlCr
— Marc FC (@marcfc) March 14, 2018
I always have my kids say “thank you” to Alexa so that hopefully in the future our robot overlords will remember their civility
— Diedrich Bader (@bader_diedrich) March 14, 2018
The Shape of Water (2017) pic.twitter.com/fA8qGpSUEs
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 9, 2018
“Oh, we’re $16 now.”
— Mark Magark (@markedly) January 17, 2018
Me, getting ready to make the same bad choice but also being a little more prepared from the last time it backfired. pic.twitter.com/xfjmTWQp1d
— Unfuckwittable (@MsReyda) February 10, 2018
accidentally getting violently high before i leave the house pic.twitter.com/namak2k5SR
— rat mic (@mizzmic) March 12, 2018
My dad is vacuuming while chewing sunflower seeds and he’s spitting them out right in front of the vacuum to clean them up as he goes. I have so much still to learn from this man that gave me life.
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) March 11, 2018
— glock (@Glock__Lesnar) March 14, 2018
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) March 12, 2018
*Overheard conversation between 2nd grade boys*
“Do you think you’ll ever fall in love?”
“I don’t know. I think if she likes pancakes, then probably.”
— hallie (@hallierb) March 9, 2018
First world problem in Iceland. pic.twitter.com/LYLON77nuU
— Ásta Helgadóttir (@asta_fish) March 12, 2018
What’s wrong with me pic.twitter.com/obCo5zBb2V
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) March 8, 2018