Photos via Paramount Pictures
It’s been nearly 30 years since Wayne’s World first came to our living rooms via Saturday Night Live. Since then, it grew into a hit film in 1992, a worthy sequel in 1993, and even a video game. Not much can be said about that last one, but the films still know how to party. However, after watching them for the hundredth time, we began to notice something… a little off. Something that never really dawned on us before. No, not how or why Garth’s dentist performed oral surgery on him at an actual Kenny G concert. Nope, this one was right under our noses the whole time. Remember Cassandra, Wayne’s love interest? Well, come to find out, she’s really not a great girlfriend. Don’t believe us? We’ll prove it.
The moment we first meet Cassandra singing with Crucial Taunt at The Gasworks, we are sold on two things: she’s a babe (Schwing!) and she can really wail. Oh, and The Gasworks has got a pool table, too. Make that three things, then. What’s not to like, right? Here’s this beautiful, talented, woman who totally kicks ass (literally, she kicks a guy’s ass for spilling beer on her). What could be wrong with her? Well, it starts small…
As we’re introduced to Cassandra, we quickly see the type of person she is. She’s an up and coming musician, so she’s all about that career drive. It’s apparently a rough lifestyle, too, as we’re soon told that the club owner is trying to stiff her out of some money. This one-off line is likely setting up what Cassandra is willing to do to get ahead in the hustle of being a rock star. Problem is, that drive makes her relationship with Wayne… interesting.
Let’s think about her association with Wayne. Upon meeting, she already recognizes him as that “Party Time guy on TV.” So from the start, she sees him as someone important and our conspiracy theories begin to race. Then enters Benjamin, a TV producer played by Rob Lowe, who is fresh off of buying Wayne and Garth’s show by contract. Through Wayne, Cassandra meets this other important guy. And, if we’re being honest, kinda gave Benjamin “the eyes” during their first glances.
Though Cassandra dismisses Benjamin at first, once she finds out he’s a TV producer and looking for a band for Wayne’s World’s musical act, she bites down on the hook, and we’re left wondering, “What’s Cassandra really after here?”
The next time we see Cassandra is on a ride-along with Wayne. You might remember it as the “Hey Mickey, You’re So Fine” singing scene between them. What you probably don’t recall is how awkwardly this scene goes after “Hey Mickey.” Once done singing, there’s an immediate dead air, awkward silence between them, as if they have nothing more to talk about, and the chemistry disappears. THEN, Wayne suggests putting on some music, to which Cassandra notices and says, “Hey, when’d you get the CD player?” Wayne proudly responds with “When we got the money…” (speaking of course, about the $5000 he received from Benjamin for Wayne’s World). It’s here where Cassandra seems to show her true side. Her impressed look says it all. And again we’re left asking, “What are this girl’s true motives?” Even worse, let’s not forget that the rest of this “date” includes Wayne buying his expensive sought after guitar, forking out loads of cash. This is followed by our two lovebirds moving things to the bedroom, post-coitus. Hmmmm.
Later, we make our way to Benjamin’s house, where Wayne, Garth and Cassandra are all wooed by Benjamin’s hip, upscale bachelor pad. Benjamin breaks out Dom Perignon, orders takeout in fluent Cantonese, and yes, touts that it “costs a lot to be this free” in reference to how nice his place is. And guess who eats it all up? Our girl Cassandra, with her worried boyfriend right next to her. Yet again, it’s all about the Benjamins with this woman. As Garth would say: “Eeeeeewww.”
As the movie goes on, Cassandra and Benjamin begin to work together on a music video to be featured on Wayne’s World. This brings up something troubling to the audience. Cassandra takes late night phone calls from Benjamin, agrees to spend three days in Chicago with him to film the video (and doesn’t tell Wayne until the last minute), and there’s even a moment when Benjamin swings by to drop off the contract asking Cassandra to spend the afternoon together. The scene cuts off before we get her answer, but it has us shaking our heads… and Wayne’s too. This all culminates in Wayne accusing her of stepping out on him with Benjamin, and rightfully so given the lead up. It ends with Cassandra defending herself… however not really saying no… and asking Wayne to leave.
Cut to Chicago, where the music video shoot has begun. Wayne is seemingly out of the picture, and Benjamin is slithering in on Cassandra… kind of like a snake. Just before Wayne shows up, we hear Benjamin telling Cassandra “You’re exactly right. Why leave the hotel? We’ll have dinner set up. You can have a hot bath and I can make some calls.” Uhhh. OK, what the hell did we just witness here? These scenes don’t really depict Cassandra in a bad light except for maybe this line. “You’re exactly right” kind of indicates she’s just said she’s going to step out on Wayne… except just in the knick of time, Wayne shows up to tell her everything she wants to hear: he’s giving her an audition on his show, he tells her he loves her, and that he never learned to read. All of this doesn’t end up panning out for him, though. Nope, Cassandra tells Wayne to take a hike. That is, until Benjamin accidentally lets the live snake from the video shoot slide onto Cassandra’s chest. To which she responds “Is that you, or the snake?” It’s clearly the snake, and she bolts back into Wayne’s arms. SO. What does this mean? This means if it were Benjamin SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN INTO IT. How crappy is that?! We’ve never forgotten this line, and neither should you. Good thing Wayne didn’t hear it though, huh?
The final scene has Cassandra play on Wayne’s World and hope that Frankie Sharp of Sharp Records is watching and impressed. She plays her heart out, and Frankie actually shows up, but denies her a record deal. Cassandra turns on a dime, and accuses Wayne of screwing her career. Then, Wayne’s house literally burns down and we see Cassandra with Benjamin after everything. OK OK, come on back, come on back. So this was the nightmare ending, but after everything we’ve seen, one must wonder, “Would this have happened if the deal with Sharp didn’t go so well?” Wayne and Cassandra were on shaky ground. Benjamin could’ve picked up the broken pieces and all would’ve been lost. Even Wayne was worried about it psychologically. Think about it, the poor guy had to construct a mega-happy ending just to put himself out of the misery of reality. And who could blame him after all we’ve seen? You would think that this would be enough proof that Cassandra is, indeed, not excellent, folks. But it’s not. Let’s move on to Wayne’s World 2 and push our theory further.