Photo: PeopleImages (Getty)
Excited you bought tickets to the big game but starting to think you might’ve gotten screwed? Waited for the very second tickets went on sale to the big show but ended up in the maddening “waiting room” of AXS for pigeon seats? If you think you overpaid for your front row DMB tickets or are afraid you won’t be able to see Dave’s face speaking jibberish from the mezzanine when the day comes, this color-coded stadium seating chart will tell you just how bad your seats are, whether by price or location, starting with the closest seats and moving back towards the pigeons.
Photo via Ticketmaster
You might think “beyhive” is a typo so the close-knit community surrounding the queen bee (AKA Beyonce), but in actuality, we believe it is called the beyhive, as you’ll be crying and screaming “bae” throughout the performances, even if you’ve never heard Beyonce before in your life. Totally worth the $165, triple that if you paid for parking and took your girlfriend (we really hope you took your girlfriend).
This is where angry mosh-pitters tend to congregate. You just paid $85 to get elbowed in the jaw and blackout two songs into the set you quit your job to go see.
You’ve got the money to get down to the floor, but your fear of tinnitus and flying elbows has you comfortably resting just off the floor for $10 less. You might be a giant pussy, but chances are you’ve been a KISS fan since Gene Simmons was potty training, and you’re not about to miss a show just because you’re going deaf of natural causes.
Your girl was nice enough to go buy you a beer, since you were kind enough to bring her, but coincidentally ran into an old “friend” who can get you guys down to the floor, maybe even “backstage.” She conveniently forgot to tell you before she was down on the floor and now her texts are meaningless and you’ve lost all faith in women. Is it the whole beer she had, or were you just not asking enough questions and now have to listen to some crazy woman next to you sing the lyrics to every song for the rest of the night? Probably both. But at least your lady is having the time of her life.
You thought you got a good deal on tickets getting into Section 3, just high enough you can’t make out the facial expressions on Mick Jagger’s face and just far enough to the left you can’t see anyone on stage unless they come to the very corner to tease you for five seconds. You can see the rooster dance, but it’s a little blurry up on the big screen.
Either you thought “loge” meant this would be a swank lounge or a private lodge, but in actuality you’re offered headphones because all you’ll hear is the three second delay of the entire night in the form of crowd cheers and girls crying when Chris Martin lays across his piano with a half chub. Your girlfriend can’t see and wonders why she paid for the Uber there if she can’t hear either. You’re not getting laid tonight, not even a hand job in the parking garage.
You pretend your freelance job has exquisite perks, but really you’re just unemployed and totally out of place with people who are successful at this kind of thing. Are these pretzels complementary? Doesn’t matter, you’ll stuff your pockets with them anyway until someone takes notice, then stuff a few more.
Green (Lower View)
You’ll spend all night trying to get into a section you didn’t pay for, getting turned away by every usher in the building until finally you run into one you’ve already been denied by. They’ll ask you to finish your beer and politely leave, but you’ll throw it, along with a tantrum and be carried out by a group of ushers.
Gray (Behind Stage)
This was a huge waste of time and money. You watch the show from the YouTube app on your phone and leave before the encore because you want to at least save some pride and be the first one out of the parking lot.
Handicap (AKA friend of a friend of a handicapable person)
You know the right people, or you were born with an injustice that you now have to deal with. Now, where the FUCK is the wheelchair ramp?!