Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / Audrey Porne (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 8-11-17
As a parent I’m gonna slip thunderstruck into my kid’s bday party playlist to see which parents are cool and start chugging their Heinekens
— Joe Moran (@jmmoran20) August 2, 2017
Me: (before seeing a baby hippo)
yeah I like hippos
Me: (after seeing a baby hippo)
do not even talk to me unless you’re a baby hippo
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) August 5, 2017
All barcode tattoos ring up as ranch dressing. Every single one of them.
— адам (@nachdermas) August 3, 2017
Well, here’s rural Nova Scotia in two pictures, taken a day apart. Photos by Andrew Killawee pic.twitter.com/BkjBB6qyZf
— Anna Scott (@annascottpiano) August 1, 2017
Welp I found the best greeting card pic.twitter.com/ObD6gxkdf1
— Jason Santa Maria (@jasonsantamaria) August 4, 2017
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 11, 2015
she took the midnight train going anywhere pic.twitter.com/9oxVuBZLId
— ale (@oafale) August 6, 2017
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) August 4, 2017
jus caught this man smoking a bong in traffic pic.twitter.com/kaPUma1CLy
— Memes (@memesuppIy) July 30, 2017
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
— penjamin.jpg (@upsidedowntrash) November 12, 2016
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
— childish sadbino (@datassque) July 30, 2017
why does Kid Rock look like an alt-right Babadook? pic.twitter.com/lKfpKJznFg
— Mathew Rodriguez (@mathewrodriguez) July 27, 2017
Coffee made at home only tastes good at home. If you put it in a cup and drink it outside your house it automatically tastes like shit.
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) August 2, 2017
Big Sean raps like he’s reading a long ass error message on his laptop while he’s on the phone with tech support
— Larry Beyince (@DragonflyJonez) August 6, 2017
one of the best videos from the formation tour. pic.twitter.com/Gkg5L7SvoB
— (@intoIina) July 29, 2017
I’m obsessed with this therapy horse that looks like it has the soul of a murdered victorian era child pic.twitter.com/lzcSAqWYkt
— kimmy (@arealliveghost) August 6, 2017
One good tip for flirting with your waitress is to remember that she doesn’t actually like you at all, not even a tiny bit
— Licensed Esthetician (@SortaBad) January 6, 2016
The Mario Teaches Typing Blooper is an abomination. pic.twitter.com/J3JrrtB7zE
— Erin Bee (@erinbee) July 29, 2017
Every story about edible weed:
1. Not high.
2. Not high.
3. Still not high.
4. Not high.
5. Please drive me to the emergency room.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) November 1, 2015
I smoked a pan flute made of 5 joints taped together last night and heard all my cells talking like osmosis jones
— Zachary Fox (@zackfox) August 4, 2017