12 Safety Precautions For Keeping Your Apple HomePod From Taking Over Your Home

Safety first. Hilarity second.

Matt Branhamby Matt Branham
Photo: JOSH EDELSON/AFP/Getty Images

Ever since Google admitted its Home device has been eavesdropping on its users, we’ve been on red alert. In response to Apple’s latest tech trend, the HomePod, which has already proven its lack of respect for wood with its hilarious white ring spots, we felt compelled to warn buyers how to be proactive in case of an invasion. Because, let’s face it, letting them into our homes was our first mistake, and we can’t afford to make any more, especially after paying that much for a robot without hands.

Do not be fooled by its camouflage.

Photo: Twitter/Raztweets

You may not realize it, but the Apple HomePod is a master of disguise, and you could very well be wiping your ass with it. It may not be able to see you cook, but it can sure hear you bitch about how you overcooked dinner, and it most certainly can tell if you’re swiping front to back with it the following morning. It already knows too much.

Unplug your HomePod before leaving the house to avoid identity theft.

If you don’t want to return home to find your house a wreck, the money ripped from the couch cushions, you might want to consider unplugging before you leave. Should you forget or neglect to follow this instruction, do not be surprised to come home to a house of changed locks that no longer belongs to you and your belongings on the front lawn.

Never cry in front of your Apple HomePod (Pretend to cut an onion).

Never, we repeat, never let your HomePod see you weak; that’s how it starts. If it knows what makes you weak, abort immediately. Change address and cities, lest we find ourselves in the plot of War of the Worlds.

Place your HomePod on the opposite side of the kitchen as the knives.

Never bring enough knives to a knife fight for everyone, just like mother taught you. Don’t set yourself up for defeat. You want to give yourself every advantage against something so aerodynamically evolved.

Lock up the guns and separate the ammo to ensure tactical victory.

It may take you longer to assemble, but thus far you have the advantage of opposable thumbs, at least until they come out with Apple HomePod 2.

Attempt to remain the alpha of your home when guests arrive.

Always speak condescendingly when other people are around. If friends and family witness your HomePod verbally abusing you, it’s only a matter of time before you lose all control of your home.

Silver lining: This can be useful in court, should you have to call upon character witnesses who observed the domestic disputes. That’s assuming your HomePod doesn’t turn your loved ones against you or just kill you in the night.

Keep a Roomba under the bed as the first line of defense.

Photo: via weknowmemes.com

Should your HomePod get any bright ideas after studying your daily routine for months at a time and go rogue, at least you have some defense in the night. It’s either this or the dog, but we don’t want to risk the safety of any animals here.

Threaten to cheat on your HomePod (WARNING: DO NOT ACTUALLY DO IT)

Simply bring another Apple HomePod home and set it on the counter. Leave it there for a week in its box, never opening. Just let it know who’s in charge & that it can be replaced, but that you won’t engage unless you’re forced to.

Occasionally test your HomePod’s loyalty and strength.

Leave clothes on top of your HomePod to occasionally test its strength and mobility. Is it getting stronger and smarter with time?

Leave lose cash around to test its loyalty. Does it place as much value on money as you do? can it be bought? Did you already spend way too much on this unnecessary false sense of evolved home living?

Warning Signs: Silence is the last thing you’ll hear.

Communication in any relationship is key, and a lack of it can stir up phantom troubles that manifest into real causes for concern. If enough time passes without words exchanged between you and your Home Pod, assume the worst. It’s clearly already started to question your desire to have it around and will not accept defeat. It’s only a matter of time before it will deviate into a deviant.

Never go to bed angry with your HomePod.

Say supportive, nurturing things before bed. Place a cookie in front of it, not mockingly, but just so it knows that when it’s evolved enough to eat, probably around HomePod 3 or 4, you’ll already be on its good side.

End with a sweet serenade, then carefully remove its battery. 

To avoid any overnight disasters and to sleep fully, lull your HomePod into a false state of security, then disarm. Play dumb in the morning. Repeat until one of you perishes.